While I have been missing recently here on the internet, unfortunately I was not off on a glamorous vacation. No instead I was working away at the ol' day job, and getting very (VERY) stressed about not posting here on the blog (hello stress breakouts...uhh, go away), and feeling the wave of writing inspiration I had been experiencing drain away drop by drop as I didn't have any time or energy to devote to writing either.
My day job schedule can be very unpredictable, and the flexibility is sometimes the best thing and at other times...is not the best thing. Going from part time to, well, what feels much more like full time all of a sudden caught me off guard, left me unprepared in many regards, and has recently rendered me physically and mentally exhausted.
I am an incredibly lucky gal, I know this very well. I benefit from so much privilege, always have, and I also have an amazing supportive family that let me live with them for free-- but that doesn't mean I don't have days where everything seems just too much. I am a perfectionist in several regards, and not posting last week was...not easy for me. Styling vintage, recreating vintage clothing, sewing, making videos, writing, these are my passions and the things I want to devote my time to, the only things I want to devote my time and energy to, but the world does not work around what I want, and though I know it makes me a spoiled brat to say as much-- I want it to. I want the world to bend to my will, not the other way around. The world got the better of me last week, and I cried on the way home from work on Thursday like a total baby.
It feels like it is just taking too damn long. I'm twenty seven now, I want my career to have started, I want to be out at least renting my own place, I don't want to be a burden anymore. I'm an entitled millennial and for some reason I think I deserve more, deserve better, deserve my dreams. Then I feel like a brat since I already have it so good, and then I feel guilty about wanting more...stack that on top of the rest of my worries. My brain spirals and stews in rumination over my "failures". If I had started my blog and YouTube earlier back in university I would have "made it" by now, if I just went and got a boring cubicle job I could afford to move out and feel less like a burden, even though it would mean I'd have to shelve my dreams forever more. Even more dangerous things can creep in too, like... maybe it's because I'm not thin enough (a long time favorite of my earlier brain banter), not talented enough, not working hard enough. Yikes, now here I am ranting and raving.
This gist is, as someone who has been working mostly for small businesses since university graduation (way back in 2013...), I am quite tired of working very hard for someone else's dreams when I want to be spending all my time and energy on manifesting my own.
I'm sorry for throwing myself a pity party, but I guess this is all part of the "social media is not the full picture". Sometimes I look glamorous, after all, dress for the life you want right? But I don't always have my shit together, sometimes I have bad days, and bad weeks, and thank goodness for beautiful hand-painted circle skirts that make one feel put together, at least for a moment.
I guess I'm still not over the idea that you are "supposed" to be financially successful, beautiful, emotionally stable, and have it all figured out by twenty five. I don't even fully know where I picked up that nonsense, but at twenty seven it still haunts the recesses of my mind telling me I have already "failed".
But you only fail when you stop trying right? Tomorrow could always be better.
A year full of contrasts--finishing my first novel that I adore, but the rest seems to be ever more of a mess. I know it was said by an animated fish and all, but "just keep swimming" is still good advice. Even though last week felt more like drowning than swimming, and my form may be all off, I've just got to keep swimming.
I hope your waters have been more serene than mine have my dears, I'll be back to proper swimming myself soon I hope. Until then, I do apologize for the ridiculous flailing about I have going on in order to keep my head above water but I have to somehow, this eyeliner isn't waterproof after all.
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| Skirt, Clutch, & Bracelet: Vintage Longline Bra: Rago Top: Banana Republic Earrings: Adriana Soto Petticoat: Malco Modes Fishnets & Sunglasses: Amazon Shoes: DSW (Madden Girl) |
"I guess I'm still not over the idea that you are "supposed" to be financially successful, beautiful, emotionally stable, and have it all figured out by twenty five"
ReplyDeleteI feel like that all the time, and I cannot tick a lot of those boxes. I'm 33 and I haven't figured it all out, I'm financially stable only because I work for a government scheme that gets alleged suitable workplaces for people with autism and I'm currently between assignments (aka jobless, but get 75% of minimum wage if I'm on an assignment or not).
I'm below average looking but not hideous (so I guess that's an improvement over what I thought of myself earlier). I can tick the emotionally stable box though.
I just wish I knew some place where I could work that gave me at least minimum wage (so I could support myself) and I wouldn't need to use that government scheme and where I could function normally, and a job I wouldn't have to be ashamed of.
But I don't have that so what I do in my free time is super important in keeping me sane.
You say you have the option of a dull job in a cubicle so you'll be able to support yourself completely, but you'll hardly have any time left to work on your own stuff.
I think the situation you have now is the better deal.
I know not supporting yourself (100%) may feel crappy and can dig at your self worth, I even felt guilty for years for accepting financial support from the government. I only stopped feeling guilty after a situation in my former workplace (where I worked 11 months) that went on for a couple of weeks where my immediate superior went way outside of our contract and let's just say took advantage and made me do stuff I wasn't trained in or allowed to officially just so they could skip out on work leaving me to run the entire thing without being trained. The stress put me in bed with an ulcer, and I knew I was ready for a burn out if I didn't stop what was happening.
Before that happened I always felt that because I was receiving support I wasn't allowed to enjoy my life so I lived in a very self hating and self deprecating way.
Now I've dialed the self deprecation way down and I'm sewing against the clock because I lost weight and have almost nothing that fits right, and I need clothes before they ring me for a new assignment.
"you'll hardly have any time left to work on your own stuff. I think the situation you have now is the better deal."
DeleteExactly! So I try to remind myself that it is okay, and that the work that I do "at home" blogging, vlogging, and writing is indeed work too, and fulfilling and worthwhile even though it doesn't make me any money (yet?).
I hate that (especially in the US) people's worth seems to be judged on how much money they make or how they "contribute". People have value inherently! Being kind is contributing to society, leaving engaged and lovely comments like you have here is contributing, making something, even if it is only you that gets to enjoy it, is contributing.
Thank you for your kind words, and I hope you can find a better job situation soon!
Mate, I'm 44 and still haven't got it all figured out. But that's a good thing. If you've managed everything by 25, what on earth is the rest of life for? 50 years of unbearable smugness? I'm kind of resigned to being ordinary. Someone has to be, and I'm good at it! I hope you achieve your dreams.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mim! I laughed out loud at 50 years of unbearable snugness! I guess I feel I do have a lot of things figured out, but not the arguably "most important" one --money. In the US, how much money you make and how independent you are is valued so highly that it feels like since I can't support myself financial, I am therefore a "failure". I try and shut that falsehood down, but it's not always easy! I try and think that it's not that I have failed, it's just that I haven't "succeeded" yet ;)
DeleteFirst, I love your honesty in this post. Maintaining a blog, while also working is very difficult, and made even more difficult when you're a perfectionist, which I am as well, especially with the photos I put on the blog. Very few people understand what goes into a blog.
ReplyDeleteAs for the comment of "If I had started my blog and YouTube earlier back in university I would have 'made it' by now" I can speak from some experience on that, I began my blog while I was in college, and I graduated in 2010, so I've been at this longer than you, and I still don't think I've "made it." It's a tough road to just blog and it's even tougher to get noticed. But I do think you're one of the best bloggers out there!
On a happier note, I simply ADORE this outfit! I am simply obsessed, especially with the top!
xoxo
-Janey
Thank you so much Janey! Your own blog has long been a source of inspiration for me, and I am certain many others! "Making it" in the vintage blogging sphere is just not the same as in regular fashion blogging anyway, seeing as some fashion bloggers were making crazy money and getting all kinds of wild brand deals for a while there several years ago. Now it seems everything has shifted onto YouTube and Instagram, it can be hard to keep up!
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