Vacation All I Ever Wanted

While I have been missing recently here on the internet, unfortunately I was not off on a glamorous vacation. No instead I was working away at the ol' day job, and getting very (VERY) stressed about not posting here on the blog (hello stress breakouts...uhh, go away), and feeling the wave of writing inspiration I had been experiencing drain away drop by drop as I didn't have any time or energy to devote to writing either.

My day job schedule can be very unpredictable, and the flexibility is sometimes the best thing and at other times...is not the best thing. Going from part time to, well, what feels much more like full time all of a sudden caught me off guard, left me unprepared in many regards, and has recently rendered me physically and mentally exhausted.

I am an incredibly lucky gal, I know this very well. I benefit from so much privilege, always have, and I also have an amazing supportive family that let me live with them for free-- but that doesn't mean I don't have days where everything seems just too much. I am a perfectionist in several regards, and not posting last week was...not easy for me. Styling vintage, recreating vintage clothing, sewing, making videos, writing, these are my passions and the things I want to devote my time to, the only things I want to devote my time and energy to, but the world does not work around what I want, and though I know it makes me a spoiled brat to say as much-- I want it to. I want the world to bend to my will, not the other way around. The world got the better of me last week, and I cried on the way home from work on Thursday like a total baby.

It feels like it is just taking too damn long. I'm twenty seven now, I want my career to have started, I want to be out at least renting my own place, I don't want to be a burden anymore. I'm an entitled millennial and for some reason I think I deserve more, deserve better, deserve my dreams. Then I feel like a brat since I already have it so good, and then I feel guilty about wanting more...stack that on top of the rest of my worries. My brain spirals and stews in rumination over my "failures". If I had started my blog and YouTube earlier back in university I would have "made it" by now, if I just went and got a boring cubicle job I could afford to move out and feel less like a burden, even though it would mean I'd have to shelve my dreams forever more. Even more dangerous things can creep in too, like... maybe it's because I'm not thin enough (a long time favorite of my earlier brain banter), not talented enough, not working hard enough. Yikes, now here I am ranting and raving.

This gist is, as someone who has been working mostly for small businesses since university graduation (way back in 2013...), I am quite tired of working very hard for someone else's dreams when I want to be spending all my time and energy on manifesting my own.

I'm sorry for throwing myself a pity party, but I guess this is all part of the "social media is not the full picture". Sometimes I look glamorous, after all, dress for the life you want right? But I don't always have my shit together, sometimes I have bad days, and bad weeks, and thank goodness for beautiful hand-painted circle skirts that make one feel put together, at least for a moment.

I guess I'm still not over the idea that you are "supposed" to be financially successful, beautiful, emotionally stable, and have it all figured out by twenty five. I don't even fully know where I picked up that nonsense, but at twenty seven it still haunts the recesses of my mind telling me I have already "failed".

But you only fail when you stop trying right? Tomorrow could always be better.

A year full of contrasts--finishing my first novel that I adore, but the rest seems to be ever more of a mess. I know it was said by an animated fish and all, but "just keep swimming" is still good advice. Even though last week felt more like drowning than swimming, and my form may be all off, I've just got to keep swimming.

I hope your waters have been more serene than mine have my dears, I'll be back to proper swimming myself soon I hope. Until then, I do apologize for the ridiculous flailing about I have going on in order to keep my head above water but I have to somehow, this eyeliner isn't waterproof after all.

Skirt, Clutch, & Bracelet: Vintage
Longline Bra: Rago
Top: Banana Republic
Earrings: Adriana Soto
Petticoat: Malco Modes
Fishnets & Sunglasses: Amazon
Shoes: DSW (Madden Girl)

Video: What do I NOT like about Vintage? Q&A

I'm no stranger to making a longer than average video, but when this one hit the half hour mark...I realized I just had to split it into two! So grab a snack first you guys, get cozy, it's a long one!

To be fair, I was trying to get this video(s) up last weekend, but between birthday shenanigans, a lot of time at the 'ol day job, and not being happy with the footage the first time I sat down to film this video...I was put way behind schedule. What else is new right? The to do list only ever grows longer my dears! I'm off to go try and scratch off a few more things, but writing also calls. It never stops!

Video: Side Husselen

You all know about the side hustle don't you? You know, that thing you do on the side maybe? Well all I've got is side hustles, and they have yet to make me a single dime. Blogging, sewing, YouTube, writing, oh and a little part time day job too-- I indeed don't have time for it all! I certainly haven't found the time yet to fully allow one of these passions to actually take off and be able to support myself monetarily through my creative endeavors alone. After all, so few are able to make a career out of sheer passion and will. Still, I'm going to try, and I figure I'd take you all along for the ride with me.

So welcome to the side husselen, where I plan to document the journey. Hopefully we're going somewhere, but I fully intend to have fun on the journey no matter where I end up. Love what you do and never work a day in your life? How about work everyday until you can do what you love?

What do you do for a living? I don't know-- but I sure know what I'm living to do, and that seems like a start.

Two Strip Technicolor

Sometimes I try different things when editing photos, but mostly it's just a lot of brightening and adding a little warmth to make things pop. Tonight I tried clicking the auto color correct to see what it would do to my photos since they had come out really red hued (due to the setting sun) and the effect looked a bit off and almost like two strip technicolor to me, so I went with it! Something a little different for a change.

Red and green together? What is it Christmas? In July? Ehh, why not. I love this green and white rayon I picked up from Mood last year. Simple botanical prints like this are my favorite. I still need to redo the hem on this dress though, as I did it by machine last year after being fed up working with this fussy rayon and wanting the project done. It deserves a nice hand sewn hem! The red accessories make the dress look even more tropical and summery I think. The red clutch has yet to appear here on the blog before, but the Bait heels are old favorites these days. I'd like these heels in every color. I already have them in two!

Wanna know a possibly TMI detail you may have missed? I had my arms waxed and this is the first close up clutch bag photo ever here on the blog that doesn't give me some anxiety about how hairy my arms look...which I realize is super silly. Was that painful? Yes a bit, but my skin also reacted pretty badly to the process and broke out in little red bumps for several days post wax. Which is worse, hair or red bumps? Yeah, that's easy to answer. Not sure I'll be doing that again! Plus it's expensive! Better off just getting over myself and my silly insecurities I guess. Lesson learned.

I'm still playing catch up with a ton of things, and have so (soooooo) much work to do this weekend! I promise I'll have a new video up soon, I just have to find the time to edit it! Never enough time for it all, I'm a broken record and have been for years now. Thank's for sticking around even though the song remains ever the same ;)

Dress: Made by me

Hat, Clutch, Jewelry, & Belt: Vintage

Shoes: Bait footwear

Olivine Sateen

I remember learning about olivine in geology class at university, in Hawaii they even have beaches scattered with the mineral olivine that look green with algae but are actually colored by tiny green stones. Mood fabrics actually called the color of this cotton sateen fern, but it seems pretty olive green to me!

I'm finding the phenomenon where time and energy occur both at once as rare as an olive green beach these past few weeks. I can't even segue anymore...clearly. Various things, my day job, some birthday induced shenanigans (including trying absinthe finally? Tasty, also green, perhaps a hazardous choice) have completely destroyed my schedule and zapped my energy over the last several days. All I want to do is write-- again, which is just not useful. I haven't found the time to write though either, and between that quite urgent desire being pushed to the sidelines, and being currently way behind on YouTube and the blog, I honestly feel like a disorganized mess right now! I've got to get things back in alignment and start checking a few things off my to do list ASAP. It doesn't help that it's super hot out these days which makes me feel even more lethargic for some reason!!

But hey, hello there, umm....here are a few photos of an outfit I wore recently and my new olive green skirt I made earlier in the year. Hopefully you will be hearing from me again soon, but only if I can wake up out of this summer haze and get my act together. Here's hoping my dears...

Skirt: Made by me
Top: Forever 21 (in like...2007)
Shoes: Modcloth
Petticoat: Malco Modes
Clutch, Hat, & Bracelets: Vintage
Earrings: National Gallery Museum Gift Shop

Twenty-Seven

It was eight o'clock at night and the light was changing rapidly. It had just rained, and the world outside was blue and grey. These factors add up to a variety of photo issues like light induced blur, grainy noise, and color cast hues, but we are gonna roll with it, okay? mmkay, great.

I wrote this little mini essay/prose thing earlier last week to include in a video, but I then never filmed it. So I'll include it here:


I decided to make a new white dress this summer. I really have enjoyed the eyelet dress I made last year and wanted to add another crisp white dress to add to my wardrobe. What began as a vague idea for a project evolved and took on an extra meaning while I worked on the dress over the course of a few weeks.

Because most twenty-seven year old women have found, or will soon find, themselves buying a particular sort of white dress. Yet I have not, nor ever likely will, find myself shopping for a wedding dress.

Which is so incredibly fine with me, good even, preferable, but also still somehow a bit unexpected. Because that's what people do in their twenties right, they get married. I don't want to get married-- indeed as I said recently, I've never even been in a relationship-- so the concept is entirely foreign to me. Society taught me a wedding was what I was supposed to desire. Even growing up in the nineties and early naughts, the idea that girls dream of their wedding day, and playing the part of the princess for a day was still hanging in the ether, and I breathed it in like everybody else. The world seems to insist on dress shopping as an ordeal, cake tasting days out, and tacky bachelorette parties. While I have never felt particularly drawn to these things, it does still feel a bit strange to be skipping them entirely.

I watched the recent royal wedding and found it dreamy and romantic, like watching a live action fairy tale. And I thought to myself--

"Huh, I'm never going to do anything even remotely like this."

Not in a sad way, just in a "huh, yeah, nope," sort of way.

This happened to me in high school too when people had "perfect" dates to prom. With the flowers and the cheesy photos. Milestones of normalcy. Society tells us about the train tracks laid down for us each to follow. I live off on my winding footpath with the tracks over there a ways, off in the distance. It's nice over here on my footpath, there are butterflies, and wildflowers, and you can stop anywhere you like for as long as you like. It's only occasionally, when someone mentions a particular station they're passing through, or regrettably delayed from, that I remember those tracks over there are what I was "supposed" to have been following.

I'm on my own over here instead, and it's pretty great, I haven't gotten lost yet.

So I decided to keep making my fine new white dress, with a high boat neckline now-- because it suddenly seemed very chic.

And I'll wear it for my twenty-seventh birthday. With black accessories and a new straw hat I think.
And I can buy my own cake if I want to.

Not better, not worse, just mine.

Dress: Made by me
Belt, Gloves, Clutch, & Jewelry: Vintage
Shoes: Remix
Fishnets: Amazon
Hat: Fashionable Frolic