Do you ever think you have made progress with something, only to realize you actually have got it as bad as ever? Well, here I was thinking "wow, I have gotten so much better at not holding myself to impossible standards and trying to be 'perfect' all the time" HA! Sure kid. Not so much. So of course I set myself the challenge of trying to put up a new video on my YouTube channel everyday for two whole weeks starting last Sunday. What better way to spend the holidays than working every night until midnight? What!?! Why did I decide I could do such a thing?
It's like my brain heard "a whole week off from the day job...think of all the relaxing and writing you could do" and then instead said "or you could work like a mad woman and try to be more productive than ever!!!!". Why do I do this to myself? All I ever want to do is spend entire days writing, and instead I set myself this video challenge. Am I an idiot? What the hell is wrong with me?!
Let's psychoanalyze eh? Some true facts about how my brain works:
I think that if I am not being visibly "productive", that I am viewed by others as lazy and a waste of space. Check.
I think that if I am not constantly working on my side hustles, I indeed should be considered lazy and nothing more than a horrifically entitled millennial. Check.
I think if I am not constantly working that I must not really "want it" enough. Check.
I think any day where I didn't produce something (500+ words, a video, a blog post, a sewing project, a work day at the day job) is a day I "wasted". Checkkkkkk
I undervalue sleep, relaxation, downtime and just time spent recharging in general. Check.
I will, however, still waste time browsing on Etsy, or on Tumblr, and then feel extremely guilty about it and berate myself over being unproductive. Check!!
Yikes.
Instead of saying to myself "Good job! You got four videos up this week, how cool!" instead I am here just thinking about how I didn't finish my video for yesterday in time, which means I have already missed a day in my challenge, and therefore have already failed. I thought I was past making myself feel this way, but nopeity nope nope...clearly that is not the case.
I do wonder how much this mindset is a result of my situation-- still living at home and the surrounding guilt of not being a "proper" adult (aka, completely financially independent), and how much it is just my innate personality. When I was much younger I used to tear myself apart because my body wasn't perfect (*ahem* thin), but even though I got past that one particular idea of perfection, I am still holding myself to impossible standards-- just in other areas. It's like when one cuts out soda from their diet, but starts drinking a ton more coffee. The impulse doesn't disappear, it just migrates.
Currently it just so happens to be resolution and goal setting season. And so, clearly, this is something I need to work on for this next year.
I do not have a good idea of what balance looks like. I do not know where the line between "working hard enough" and "working too much" is. I do not know where the line between"taking time to be a human" and "being flat out lazy" is. I just have no clue. When I work all the time, I burn myself out to exhaustion, but at least feel like I am "worthy" (of what my dude? life at all? chill!) because I am chasing the dream, and if I relax at all I feel downright guilty as hell.
All this existential panic just because I failed to get a video up yesterday like I promised. I know the time between Christmas and New Years sis supposed to be both reflective and also flat out weird, but I think my brain is taking it a bit too far this year.
So what am I gonna do? I am going to keep at it and still try and get up another ten videos over the next ten days of course. Will I ever learn?
Let's hope so.
It sounds as if you could do with a hug, so here's one from Norway :) I don't know if there's any help in this tip or if it will just add to the pile of things to do, but I find mindfulness helpful when my head starts spinning.
ReplyDeleteThank you Suna! I often forget I can ask for a hug, so thank you for the reminder :)
Delete“Kid, mad woman, idiot, a waste of space, a horrifically entitled millenial, not a proper adult...”
ReplyDeleteWow! That's quite a list. If someone in your daily life is saying ANY of these things to you then, please, stop listening.
If these are auto-generated insults then see if you can work out whose voice you're hearing them in. I'm 100% sure that they come from some pretty shady character. Maybe they claim some kind of authority so can you ask for credentials? Maybe a certificate in Closet Historian Studies? No? Didn't think so. I bet they wear bad shoes - can you really trust their judgement? No, that shade of bile is ghastly. Something in their teeth? Clearly they're too self-important to look in the mirror themselves. Just walk away. They really, truly, have nothing to offer you.
Oh, they just said something with a kernel of truth as you walked away? Keep walking.
Life is NOT a narrative. Neither you, nor anyone else, can assign you a character. You can't force yourself to follow an arc without an awful lot of anguish - as you know. It's just about experience. The good, the bad and the ugly.
You've often written here about time and spinning plates. Of trying... I used to really struggle with time and the need to have something to show for it. It's not a transaction. Time and energy don't stop because you've stopped. Your success is not wholly dependent on the amount of effort you put in. Discomfort doesn't win any awards. That's why you get so frustrated when you feel you haven't achieved something. If you must be hard on yourself then take this as your motto: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better”.
It's quite possible that you do need to redefine yourself, offline and away from your family - no matter how accommodating they are. If only for a few hours a week. Somewhere time expands and that allows you the freedom to grow without scrutiny.
Lastly, whatever you do, have no doubt; you are growing and you're doing fine.