Dior & More : NEW VIDEOS

Do you ever think you have made progress with something, only to realize you actually have got it as bad as ever? Well, here I was thinking "wow, I have gotten so much better at not holding myself to impossible standards and trying to be 'perfect' all the time" HA! Sure kid. Not so much. So of course I set myself the challenge of trying to put up a new video on my YouTube channel everyday for two whole weeks starting last Sunday. What better way to spend the holidays than working every night until midnight? What!?! Why did I decide I could do such a thing?

It's like my brain heard "a whole week off from the day job...think of all the relaxing and writing you could do" and then instead said "or you could work like a mad woman and try to be more productive than ever!!!!". Why do I do this to myself? All I ever want to do is spend entire days writing, and instead I set myself this video challenge. Am I an idiot? What the hell is wrong with me?!

Let's psychoanalyze eh? Some true facts about how my brain works:

I think that if I am not being visibly "productive", that I am viewed by others as lazy and a waste of space. Check.

I think that if I am not constantly working on my side hustles, I indeed should be considered lazy and nothing more than a horrifically entitled millennial. Check.

I think if I am not constantly working that I must not really "want it" enough. Check.

I think any day where I didn't produce something (500+ words, a video, a blog post, a sewing project, a work day at the day job) is a day I "wasted". Checkkkkkk

I undervalue sleep, relaxation, downtime and just time spent recharging in general. Check.

I will, however, still waste time browsing on Etsy, or on Tumblr, and then feel extremely guilty about it and berate myself over being unproductive. Check!!

Yikes.

Instead of saying to myself "Good job! You got four videos up this week, how cool!" instead I am here just thinking about how I didn't finish my video for yesterday in time, which means I have already missed a day in my challenge, and therefore have already failed. I thought I was past making myself feel this way, but nopeity nope nope...clearly that is not the case.

I do wonder how much this mindset is a result of my situation-- still living at home and the surrounding guilt of not being a "proper" adult (aka, completely financially independent), and how much it is just my innate personality. When I was much younger I used to tear myself apart because my body wasn't perfect (*ahem* thin), but even though I got past that one particular idea of perfection, I am still holding myself to impossible standards-- just in other areas. It's like when one cuts out soda from their diet, but starts drinking a ton more coffee. The impulse doesn't disappear, it  just migrates.

Currently it just so happens to be resolution and goal setting season. And so, clearly, this is something I need to work on for this next year.

I do not have a good idea of what balance looks like. I do not know where the line between "working hard enough" and "working too much" is. I do not know where the line between"taking time to be a human" and "being flat out lazy" is. I just have no clue. When I work all the time, I burn myself out to exhaustion, but at least feel like I am "worthy" (of what my dude? life at all? chill!) because I am chasing the dream, and if I relax at all I feel downright guilty as hell.

All this existential panic just because I failed to get a video up yesterday like I promised. I know the time between Christmas and New Years sis supposed to be both reflective and also flat out weird, but I think my brain is taking it a bit too far this year.

So what am I gonna do? I am going to keep at it and still try and get up another ten videos over the next ten days of course. Will I ever learn?

Let's hope so.